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Supporting children and their families as they cope with the death of someone close to them is never easy.

Recently, an early childhood educator for resources and ideas to support two young children who each had experienced the death of a family member. As I watched this sharing of ideas unfold, I was reminded of my own experience losing my grandfather when I was 7 years old, and I thought about how useful these resources would have been to me and my family.

On Christmas Eve morning, 1977, I was downstairs in our family room watching Saturday cartoons while my mom was upstairs baking desserts to听take to Christmas lunch at her parents鈥� house the next day. The heavy black rotary phone in the basement rang. I ran excitedly to pick up the phone, as I tended to do. I remember being confused, thinking, Why is Mom talking like that? Is she crying? What is she saying? She鈥檚 hard to understand through the tears.

I soon learned that my maternal grandfather had died suddenly of a heart attack that morning. As an adult looking back, I see that moment鈥檚 significance, its long shadow. But at the time and during the days and weeks that followed, I remember just feeling confused. And the confusion remained through much of my grade school years. Christmas became a sad time for my grandmother and my mom. My grandmother often cried at Christmas, and Christmas Eve was always bittersweet for my mother.

I have another distinct memory: I couldn鈥檛 cry. At the funeral, adult voices reassured me that 鈥渋t鈥檚 okay to cry, Mikie. See, your big cousin Chris is crying.鈥� I was reminded of this tangle of emotions and blurred memories as I viewed the recent thread of resources on Hello for helping children cope with death.

It occurs to me that at the time, I couldn鈥檛 quite grasp what my grandfather鈥檚 death meant to my family members. I had a child鈥檚 understanding of his death, and it was okay that I couldn鈥檛 share the adults鈥� responses; my understanding fit my age. I wonder now if I didn鈥檛 cry because in part I didn鈥檛 really comprehend the permanence of death.

I did understand some of what death signified鈥攁fter all, Sammy, our old beagle, was buried in the backyard, and that meant I couldn鈥檛 cuddle with him ever again because dead meant gone forever. But I couldn鈥檛 quite grasp what this special person鈥檚 death meant. I needed someone to sit and talk with me, to figure out what I understood and what I didn鈥檛, and to help me cope with my feelings in ways that made sense for a young child.

In retrospect, I wonder what it would have been like if the adults around me had had resources to help them think about a 7-year-old鈥檚 comprehension of death. What would it have been like if they had shared with me children鈥檚 books from our local library to help me process the loss?

On the , 51吃瓜网 members have recommended many children's books and resources to help children who experience the death of a loved one. If you ever need to support a child at such a time, I encourage you to refer to this list of resources.

At my grandfather's funeral, I wish the adults around me had had a copy of Grief Is a Mess, by Jackie Schuld, because its emphasis on the personal nature of grieving would have let me know it was okay that I wasn鈥檛 quite in the same place as the grown-ups around me鈥攖hat not crying was OK.

The Heart and the Bottle, by Oliver Jeffers, would have been useful later, when I began to understand that Grandpa wouldn鈥檛 be there when I went to visit, working in his garage, listening to those funny old classical records. That book might have helped me make sense of the hurt I felt with that realization. It might have been a good time for me and my parents to read Pat Thomas鈥檚 I Miss You: A First Look at Death, which asks useful interactive questions to help children understand what all of this means.

And I wish someone had pointed my parents toward a book like Talking about Death: A Dialogue between Parent and Child, by Earl Grollman, which gives advice not only on how to approach the subject honestly, but also on how to do so carefully and openly. It includes a section that families can read aloud together with their children.

Helping children and their families cope with the death of someone close is never easy. But these books鈥攁nd the many, many other books and resources shared in the Hello thread on the topic鈥攁re tools to help children begin to process and talk about their complicated feelings during such a tough time.

Many thanks to Leeann from California, Meg from North Carolina, and Jacqueline from Arizona, whose book suggestions I integrated above.