The Not-So-Magic Word
Often in my preschool, while sitting around the lunch table, a child will say, 鈥淥pen my yogurt.鈥� If I don鈥檛 respond immediately he鈥檒l repeat: 鈥淥pen my yogurt!鈥� I鈥檒l turn and say, 鈥淐ould you ask me a different way?鈥� And he鈥檒l say, 鈥淧濒别补蝉别!鈥� with a look of victory on his face.
He鈥檚 used the magic word! And the magic word, in his experience, is really magic: when he says it, people magically do what he wants them to do. It鈥檚 even better than that, because he doesn鈥檛 even have to remember when to say it. When it鈥檚 required, someone will remind him, 鈥淪ay the magic word.鈥�
鈥淕ive me a cookie!鈥�
鈥淪ay the magic word.鈥�
鈥淧濒别补蝉别!鈥�
鈥淗ere you go!鈥�
But is adding the word "please" to a request actually politeness? Politeness is being conscious of other people and using your voice and actions to convey respect for them; it鈥檚 using your socialized brain to regulate your desires. Shouting a syllable when prompted? Not actually very polite. We can鈥檛 expect children to behave like adults鈥攏or would we want them to! But childhood is the best time to learn the appropriate way to treat others.
Luckily, guiding a child to speak kindly isn鈥檛 that hard. Children learn to use whatever behavior is effective to get their needs met. For instance, when your infant needs help with food he might wave his hands and make noises. But over time he learns to make intentional gestures like holding the food out to you, because when he does this, you understand what he means, so he gets his food more quickly. The same principle helps your child graduate from gestures to words鈥攚ords are simply more effective.
You can use the same principle to guide your child to speak politely. All you have to do is make sure that polite communication is more effective than impolite communication. When your child demands that you open his yogurt (with or without the 鈥渕agic word鈥�) all you have to do is not open the yogurt. You might say, 鈥淐ould you ask me a different way?鈥濃�攐r you might simply smile and raise your eyebrows, waiting for him to remember. Children use the behavior that鈥檚 effective. If a demanding tone of voice doesn鈥檛 work on you, I promise, your child will try something different.
Remember, too, that children need models for positive behaviors. If you want him to be polite...
- use a kind voice when you ask him to pass the salt;
- wait until he鈥檚 done with his game before you tell him to clean up;
- don鈥檛 ask him to go get you something the moment he sits down;
- ...and make sure you鈥檙e being polite to other people when your child is around.
Lest you worry, being polite towards children does not mean giving up authority. In my classroom I use a kind voice when I say, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry to interrupt, but when you鈥檙e done reading that book, it will be time to clean up.鈥� That politeness doesn鈥檛 mean that clean-up is optional; children quickly learn that I mean what I say, and that I follow through on rules and consequences. I鈥檓 just not rude about it.
Early childhood is the time when children learn to treat others with consideration. But all too often saying 鈥渢he magic word鈥� gets you the thing you want without you having to actually be considerate. Words matter, but so does what鈥檚 behind the words. Let鈥檚 take away the magic of 鈥渢he magic word,鈥� and start teaching kids politeness.
